Monday, January 27, 2014

Frustration

Today's personal lesson will be: how to not get outraged when I read ignorant, closed-minded statuses from family on Facebook.

It's going to be tough. It's always been tough. But for some reason it's a little tougher now that I'm not directly apart of their lives anymore. Maybe it's because I'm constantly surrounded by loving, positive people now and when I see ignorant bigotry it seems foreign. Maybe it's because it reminds me all too well of the pain and non acceptance I felt from them when I was around them. I don't know. I just know that I have to find a way to not let them get to me.

Imbolc is coming up and I will need the goddess Brighid to comfort me with her maternal love and wisdom during this time. I'll say a special prayer for any of you out there who may be going through something similar. Let us join together in this time of new life and send out as much positive energy as we can.! Band together my brothers and sisters! This world needs our light! )O(

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sweet Home Alabama

   Well, my little family has moved to Alabama! We've been here a week and so far we like it. We haven't been able to do much, yet, but what we have been able to do was nice. We visited the bay and though it was a bit chilly, it was beautiful. The people here seem very friendly and there is way more to do here than back in NC where we lived. We are staying with my partner's side of the family for a few months to save up our money and I have some anxieties about it. Don't get me wrong, it's not them...it's me. You see, anytime I have stayed with family in the past, it resulted in fighting. My family is not the most accepting and loving when it comes to people "cramping their style". They will invite you to stay because they know it will help you out, but then make your life a living hell while you're there. I never felt comfortable staying with family, so naturally I am worried the same things will happen here. But, this time feels different. The family we are staying with is very loving and understanding. They don't get irritated easily and don't expect too much out of us. They just want to see us do well. It's refreshing, but I'm still nervous every time they come home from work. I worry that I haven't done enough house work or that my kids made too much of a mess or that we ate some food we weren't supposed to. But, every day the same thing happens. They come in, say hello, have conversation, ask if we need anything, make dinner (either separate or together), clean up and go to bed. There is no irritation, no feeling that we are bothering them and no fighting. Just calm, simple, love. I'm not used to it, but I could totally get used to it.

   We have been looking at the real estate down here and the prices are amazing! The public schools are also amazing with nothing scoring less than a 7/10 and the school's in the next town over all have 9/10 ratings. I was also very pleased to find that the Pagan community down here is a bit larger than the one back home! I've reached out to them and received much positive feedback. They are uplifting and sweet and I look forward to meeting them and hopefully partaking in ritual with them. It makes sense for us to make a life here. I think we could be happy here.

   Before we left NC to come here, I was feeling overwhelmed. I was scared. I still am, but not as much. I remember going down the stairs of our townhouse to see all of our stuff scattered around in boxes. Some of the boxes were labeled "storage" and some were labeled "Alabama". I remember thinking, "Oh my God...this is happening. We are moving to Alabama. I'm leaving my family. I've never been anywhere for longer than a couple of weeks. I'm terrified!" I turned around and went back upstairs and shut myself in the closet. I fell to my knees and began to sob uncontrollably. I begged Goddess to come to me and hold me. I asked her to help me. I asked her to give me strength. I told her I needed her to be there for me and to be my rock. In that moment, I felt a presence that I haven't felt in a long time. I didn't feel alone anymore. I didn't feel scared anymore. I felt my strength growing and I heard her voice calming me. I heard her shush me in a loving, motherly voice. I heard her say, "Get up and do what you need to do". At that moment I knew that she showed me that I didn't need to lean on her. She showed me that I already had the strength that I needed inside of me.

   This journey is going to be a whole new beginning for me. My life will be different. I am shedding old skin, I feel. I am finding my strength, I am finding Goddess, I am finding myself. It's scary at times, but I am loving it!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

New Year....Completely New Beginning!



It's a brand new year and my family is moving to a new state! This will be my very first move away from my hometown. I'm super excited, but super anxious at the same time. You see...for me, this isn't just about moving to a different state because of work or whatever. For me, this is moving away from my very dysfunctional family. This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but didn't have the courage to do it until now. I grew up surrounded by negativity and abuse. Verbal, mental and physical abuse were all a part of my life growing up. I watched it happen to members of my family and then realized it was happening to me too. As I got older, the physical abuse started. I know too well that abuse is a cycle and unless you get away from it, you can be sucked into becoming an abuser. I don't want to ever treat my children the way my family treated me. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home. Part of the problem for me was living up to my family's standards that were based on their version of the Bible. If you didn't live the way they wanted you to, you were condemned, yelled at, punished and made to feel like you were no good. All my life I have been creative, earth loving and empathic. I have always sought to love others and be honest. But, my family lived a life of lies.

I will not live a life of lies.

I refuse to accept my family's behavior as normal. I don't want to have to sweep it under the rug when my mother is cruel to me in front of my children! I don't want them growing up being afraid to be the little Pagans that they are, because their grandparent's will tell them they are wrong and going to hell! I don't want to have to cry after every family visit, because I can't get away from the abuse, even though I am 26, have two children and live in a separate house! I don't want to have to call the cops on my family for the millionth time because somebody put their hands on me or a loved one! I REFUSE TO DO IT ANYMORE!!!

Leaving the area that my family lives in is the only option for myself, my partner and my children to have any peace. It's the only chance we have to live our lives and simply be ourselves without judgment and condemnation from those we love. My children will grow up in a house with parents who don't just say 'I love you', but who show them through daily actions of love and understanding. They will know everlasting support and encouragement in whatever it is they want to do! They will know acceptance. They will learn to accept others too. They will not be taught to fear or hate others because of differences, but to ask questions so they can find the similarities. They will be taught to love the Earth as our mother and to take care of her. They will learn to love themselves for they are made of stars! THIS IS MY PROMISE TO MY CHILDREN! You will never know the fear and shame that I knew. You will never know the emptiness I knew. Ever.

This new year, 2014, started with a new moon! It is a sign for me, for sure. Magickal and beautiful beginnings are unfolding! I am looking forward to them and I will not let my feelings of doubt, worry or even the guilt of leaving my family get me down. And yes, I have guilt. I am my mother's only child and she is not married. I worry about her being alone. However, I have tried to mend that broken relationship too many times to do it again. A dear friend told me the other day that the Chinese have a symbol that can be translated as 'crisis' and the same symbol can also be translated as 'opportunity'. For me, that makes so much sense. It took one last moment of crisis between me and my family, recently, for me to make the decision that I was ready to move and have an opportunity for change. I am freeing myself. Finally. And though, it is scary....it feels oh, so good. :D