Tuesday, January 14, 2014

New Year....Completely New Beginning!



It's a brand new year and my family is moving to a new state! This will be my very first move away from my hometown. I'm super excited, but super anxious at the same time. You see...for me, this isn't just about moving to a different state because of work or whatever. For me, this is moving away from my very dysfunctional family. This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but didn't have the courage to do it until now. I grew up surrounded by negativity and abuse. Verbal, mental and physical abuse were all a part of my life growing up. I watched it happen to members of my family and then realized it was happening to me too. As I got older, the physical abuse started. I know too well that abuse is a cycle and unless you get away from it, you can be sucked into becoming an abuser. I don't want to ever treat my children the way my family treated me. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home. Part of the problem for me was living up to my family's standards that were based on their version of the Bible. If you didn't live the way they wanted you to, you were condemned, yelled at, punished and made to feel like you were no good. All my life I have been creative, earth loving and empathic. I have always sought to love others and be honest. But, my family lived a life of lies.

I will not live a life of lies.

I refuse to accept my family's behavior as normal. I don't want to have to sweep it under the rug when my mother is cruel to me in front of my children! I don't want them growing up being afraid to be the little Pagans that they are, because their grandparent's will tell them they are wrong and going to hell! I don't want to have to cry after every family visit, because I can't get away from the abuse, even though I am 26, have two children and live in a separate house! I don't want to have to call the cops on my family for the millionth time because somebody put their hands on me or a loved one! I REFUSE TO DO IT ANYMORE!!!

Leaving the area that my family lives in is the only option for myself, my partner and my children to have any peace. It's the only chance we have to live our lives and simply be ourselves without judgment and condemnation from those we love. My children will grow up in a house with parents who don't just say 'I love you', but who show them through daily actions of love and understanding. They will know everlasting support and encouragement in whatever it is they want to do! They will know acceptance. They will learn to accept others too. They will not be taught to fear or hate others because of differences, but to ask questions so they can find the similarities. They will be taught to love the Earth as our mother and to take care of her. They will learn to love themselves for they are made of stars! THIS IS MY PROMISE TO MY CHILDREN! You will never know the fear and shame that I knew. You will never know the emptiness I knew. Ever.

This new year, 2014, started with a new moon! It is a sign for me, for sure. Magickal and beautiful beginnings are unfolding! I am looking forward to them and I will not let my feelings of doubt, worry or even the guilt of leaving my family get me down. And yes, I have guilt. I am my mother's only child and she is not married. I worry about her being alone. However, I have tried to mend that broken relationship too many times to do it again. A dear friend told me the other day that the Chinese have a symbol that can be translated as 'crisis' and the same symbol can also be translated as 'opportunity'. For me, that makes so much sense. It took one last moment of crisis between me and my family, recently, for me to make the decision that I was ready to move and have an opportunity for change. I am freeing myself. Finally. And though, it is scary....it feels oh, so good. :D




2 comments:

  1. I had a terrible upbringing from my parents that claimed to be Christian that judged me when I turned away from believing the same as they did, which was very hurtful, to the point that I had to completely distant myself from them.

    You're welcome to follow my blog at http://theopenvase.blogspot.com/

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  2. Thank you! I definitely will follow you! It's hard to break away from family members. They are all you know. It's also hard to break the cycle. But, I feel that distance from them is really the only way to do it. Bright Blessings!

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