Friday, October 14, 2016

Solitude...I miss you...come back to me.


  One of the things that frustrates me the most about being a parent is the lack of freedom to just be in solitude. I grew up as an only child so I was used to being alone a lot. When I moved away from home and lived on my own, I was very antisocial for a while. My Friday nights consisted of grabbing some bagels and soup from the Bruegger's I worked at and hitting up the Blockbuster for some movies and the Lindt store for a raspberry syrup filled milk chocolate bar on the way home  I didn't exactly know how to form friendships. I still don't, to be honest. I'm awkward and inconsistent. I'm accused a lot of being either disinterested in my surroundings or too hyper and talkative. There isn't really a middle ground to my personality. I'm very aware of myself and my feelings, so it's something that I'm a bit sensitive and paranoid about. I know that I'm...odd.

  I used to hate being alone so much when I was younger, because well, it was lonely. But, now that I'm a mother of three with 2 cats and a dog in a domestic partnership with my boyfriend of almost 7 years, I miss being alone. I crave solitude. I want to just sit in my room like I used to and write music and draw whenever I want to without being interrupted or be able to take a night walk when the air gets chilly. I'm the weird kid with the drawing pad at the cemetery. I'm the girl that 'people watches' at the park.

READING. I miss reading. I don't get to do nearly as much of it now as I used to, because during the day I'm interrupted by the sounds of my adorable 2 year old's diaper being pulled off, or my handsome 5 year old son's repetitive conversations about Minecraft, or the piles of laundry that never seem to get done, or the mounds of toys that seem to pile up in my living room every single day. At night, when it finally gets quiet, I'm too tired to read anything. If I do anything, I watch a couple of episodes of Bate's Motel or The Walking Dead with the volume too low to actually hear it in case it wakes the baby (We live in a 930 sq ft apartment and the kids share the room next to the living room). If she wakes up I'll have to spend the next half hour nursing her until she goes back to sleep. Weaning a boob obsessed toddler is not an easy job!

Yes, Yes...I chose to have them. I could have opted for a way out of my pregnancies, but I didn't.
I didn't want to. I wanted my babies. And I wouldn't trade them for anything, but can't a mother miss parts of her life before children? Yes! Yes can!

If I could be doing anything right now it would be driving to the Eno River with drawing pad in hand for a nice long walk to a secluded spot where I could draw, write and listen to Type O Negative on my headphones for hours, uninterrupted. I ache for long naps in hammocks or finishing a book in one sitting on a porch with a nice cup of tea or coffee. Those are my fantasies. Well, that and being paid to travel around the world and eat. That's like...number one fantasy right there.

I feel like I lose myself in the day to day tasks of parenthood. I feel like my magick is definitely affected. Hell, I don't even get around to doing many spells or rituals these days. I love to cook (hence the whole kitchen witch thing), but I find myself just throwing things together for my family out of convenience (well, also because I have no dishwasher and I HATE doing dishes, because it takes so long when you have a big family). Other than a few part time jobs here and there that lasted maybe all of 3 months at a time, I have been serving my family as stay at home mom for almost eight years now. Eight years of being almost constantly surrounded by at least one person. I wasn't used to this and I'm still not really. It makes me cranky. I am definitely cherishing this time when my children are little. They are so cute and sweet. But, part of me cannot wait until they are older and I can have more time for myself. It's a draining job, being a parent, especially when you have to be around them all day.

Today, I'm asking Goddess to give me guidance on how I can arrange more time for myself to do the things I love. And on that note, I have to get my baby up, because she decided that nap time is over. 

Blessed be lovelies! )O(

"Solitude is the soul's holiday, an opportunity to stop doing for others and to surprise and delight ourselves instead."
      -Katrina Kenison


  1. I love my solitude for this is when my Magick becomes great!!!

    1. A recharging of the soul, I feel. We are like batteries. In order to give power, we have to receive some energy by nourishing our spirits. :)

    2. That's so true, my friend.